A disgusting bid.....

its been a sort of emptiness within me.. for the past 2 days. 2008 was a great time spent in a much greater way. a lot of remarkable things amidst the other hard path that i took through. pretty more friends made along the way. some very new ppl, some of them who were known before as just hi-bye friends were added to 'good' friends category.

sometimes mind thinks why things move so fast. this fast moving life, is it really required.. so many rattling thoughts. why things start so fast and end within no time. are all those that i do over the millions of seconds make sense? at least to something or somebody somewhere in this huge world. sometimes i think if I'm over doing things, other times i doubt if I'm doing anything at all. at times I'm so stingy at making a single phone call while that evening i go out and spend on something thats so materialistic.

why not life is full of only good things, fun times and happiness, why would the sad part emerge in, why do i get so depressed at nothing, why do i not hesitate indulging in fights, why do i pretend being cool when I'm really not. why do i object showing love in front of others, why should i get the hell out of what I'm working on, why should i even care at making my deliverables, damn it, so prefect.. they all gonna bring in what!? money or only they make me a prefect human or what i am. Am i not good as just me. why do i have to do a hell lotta thing to prove what I'm capable of. or they are just gonna make up for those times when i had hurt people.. life is meaningful only after all that!? heavy or light, why should such feelings ramble over the good night's sleep. its a lot of craziness.

i have to read the words 'live life' to realize that i'm living something called life and i have to live it, across the mountains and valleys that i cross to work everyday. the mind is silent and wants to not think of anything, but shallow breaths queue up and tells me that 'you are uncomfortable listening to few things'. it is when i get to embrace the feeling of loneliness. why should i feel lonely even after being in the bird's nest like a place. its disgusting to know that i 'have to' live life so far off from my loved ones. why do i not simply live life at the place i like, with the people who make a difference to me and stop running around aiming at achieveing something, running all around towards nothingness. i have to damn it hope that tomorrow will be more colorful, tomorrow will carry something which i really would want to take it up and not couple up those disgusting things which i ever was scared of. its shameful to even say that i am SCARED of thinking if i would have a way ahead. a standard that i have to maintain for myself. a dignified standard!

it just goes on.. on and on.

sometimes its better to spit out those bitter herbs rather than clubbing it inside, cogitating, because of the medicinal effect that it has which would be helpful at later point of time. i do not want it.